Freedom From People-Pleasing

Truth for Women Who Lead

Last week I told you my story of being free on paper but bound inside, and why our nation's 250th anniversary has me thinking about both kinds of freedom.

This week I want to talk about a quieter bondage. One that hides especially well in women who lead.

People-pleasing.

It does not look like bondage. It looks like being helpful. Being agreeable. Being the woman everyone can count on.

But underneath the yes is often a fear. The fear of disappointing someone. The fear of their verdict.

And fear is never freedom.

The Yes That Splits You

If you lead anything — a business, a team, a classroom, a home — you know the pull. Barna's research on Christian women found that nearly six out of ten are dissatisfied with the balance between their work and home lives. We are saying yes to more than we can carry, and we are paying for it.

I learned this lesson in business first. Maybe because the stakes are higher there, or maybe because the cost shows up faster.

In addition to SayLa, I run a leather accessories business, Beaudin. We craft high-end, one-of-a-kind upcycled handbags, and because we make everything ourselves in our own studio, we are capable of doing a lot of things.

Early on, that capability became a trap.

I would take nearly every request a customer brought us. We could do it, so I said yes. Again and again.

And every yes split our focus a little further.

We were doing many things. We were not becoming the best at anything.

The turning point came when I realized something that felt backwards at first: I was actually serving everyone better — my customers, my team, and myself — by saying no. When we narrowed our focus, we made fewer products. But they were better products. The work we felt called to do finally got our whole heart.

That is when I understood that a yes given just to please someone is not generosity.

How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything

I am a firm believer that how you do anything is how you do everything.

So I should not have been surprised when the same lesson showed up outside the studio.

Just this year, my husband and I were invited to a Fourth of July party at the home of a couple we adore. The old me would have said yes before the invitation finished leaving their lips — because I love them, and because I would not have wanted to risk disappointing them.

But here is the reality. Saying yes to that invite meant saying no to something else.

And the something else was rest.

June had been jam-packed. We were worn down. What we desperately needed was not another commitment — even a joyful one. It was quiet. Recovery. Time to breathe.

So we said no.

Not because we love them less. Because I have finally learned that every yes is also a no, and I want to be the one — under God — deciding what gets the no.

Saying no to one party meant saying yes to the rest that lets me show up Monday as the best leader and business owner I can possibly be. For my team. For my customers. For my family.

That is not selfishness.

That is stewardship.

Whose Verdict Are You Living For?

Here is the root of it, and I say this as someone still walking it out: people-pleasing is living under the wrong verdict.

When I take on every request, when I accept every invitation, I am letting other people's approval sit in the judge's seat of my life. Their smile acquits me. Their disappointment condemns me.

But that seat is already taken.

Paul asked the question that cuts straight through it: "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? … If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10).

And Proverbs names the trap exactly: "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe" (Proverbs 29:25).

A snare. Something that looks harmless on the path until it closes around your foot.

Here is what set me free, and what keeps setting me free: God's verdict over me is already in. In Christ, I am approved, accepted, and called. No party invitation, no customer request, no raised eyebrow can add to that verdict or take away from it.

So I do not say no from scarcity or self-protection.

I say no because I am already approved, and my yes belongs first to what He has called me to do.

Even Jesus did this. With crowds pressing in and every need legitimate, He "often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Luke 5:16). He told His disciples, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest" (Mark 6:31).

The freest man who ever lived said no to good things so He could say yes to called things.

A Practice for the Recovering People-Pleaser

If you feel the snare of approval around your own foot, do not try to untangle it with willpower alone. Untangle it with truth, spoken out loud.

Here is the practice I use.

1. Name the verdict you are afraid of.

Before you answer the next request, pause and ask: If I say no, whose disappointment am I dreading? Name it. A fear loses power the moment it is dragged into the light.

2. Ask what the yes would cost.

Every yes is a no to something. Say it out loud: "If I say yes to this, I am saying no to ______." 

When you focus on what you feel called to do — and want to be the best at it, to serve others and to glorify God — that is when freedom from people-pleasing comes.

At least, that is when it came for me.